So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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