Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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