i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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