if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
