God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
