Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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