I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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