By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
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My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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