I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
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I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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