He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
