I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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