well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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