i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My penis needs a shock collar
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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