I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
