you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
