bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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