24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
