Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
