I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
