I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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