last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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