I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
