When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
