and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
