if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
