Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
