I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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