Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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