Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
