I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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