just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
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I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
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And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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