3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
