genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
