before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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