She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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