Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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