The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
