I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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