Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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