she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
