I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
