My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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