I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
areolas are like halos for boobs.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
