I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
