I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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