so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
