ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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