Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize