I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
