my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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