She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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