oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
