Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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