Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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